like a fine wine...

Apples and Wine

women...

Women are like apples on trees. the best ones are at the top. most men don't want to reach for the good ones. they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy. the apples at the top think something is wrong with them. in reality, they are amazing. they just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

now men....

men are like a fine wine. they begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

HA!

stop whining america!

(loosely based, and courtesy of craig smith)

i was reading newsweek magazine and came across some info I found hard to believe. but it's newsweek, so i like to give it @ least some credence...

newsweeks poll alleges that 67% of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed. 69% of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president.

in essence two thirds of us just ain't happy and want a change.

then, i starting thinking, ''what are we are so unhappy about?'' our electricity and running water 24/7? is our unhappiness the result of having a/c in the summer and heat in the winter? could it be that by and large, most of these unhappy folks have a job? maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? maybe it's the ability to drive from the pacific ocean to the atlantic w/o having to show ID as we move through each state? maybe it's the choice of all the motels along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

i guess having thousands of restaurants with cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. rich or poor they treat your wounds and if necessary, get you to hospital.

perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. you may be upset to know that in case of fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear to put out the fire, thus saving you, your family and your belongings. you might hate knowing that while watching your flat screen TVs, if god forbid, a burglar intrudes? an officer with a gun and bullet-proof vest will come to defend your family. this all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers. how about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy, that are the envy of everyone in the world? is that what has 67 percent of us unhappy?

fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. no wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. they see us for what we are. the most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the heavens that we live here.

i know, i know. what about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? the president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9-11. the president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled brats safe from terrorist attacks? the commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? GW may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he is our president.

make no mistake about it. as unhappy as i am that we are at war, the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. there is currently no draft in this country. they didn't have to go. they are able to refuse to go and end up with one of several different military discharges. do the research.

why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 67 percent of Americans?

i blame the media. 'if it bleeds it leads' and they specialize in bad news. everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. how many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? the media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. they offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. freedom of press indeed...shame on them.

ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. to write a book and do a TV special about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did...? this is insane.

stop buying the negative venom you are fed everyday by the media. shut off the TV, burn newsweek, and use the ny times for the bottom of your bird cage. then start being grateful as a country.

there is exponentially more good than bad.

we are the most blessed people on earth. remember that.

recently i realized i have blogged (ranted) twice now about that semi-sandra can't cook a thing woman, when who i should be blogging about is my idol ina garten.

there's something just so appealing about her. first of all, she lives in this fabulous house in the hamptons (duh) and she likes to cook and entertain. just like me. she eats and drinks alot. just like me. and she apparently has a slew of gay friends. also just like me. she could stand to lose more than a few pounds. just like me. so, aside from being obscenely rich, and living in a faboo house in the hamptons, i could conceivably BE ina garten. or at the very least, blend in really well at any function of hers.

she has this semi-devilish little chuckle that just kills me. like she knows who ate the canary but she ain't tellin. and she has all these fabulous cocktail recipes that almost always involve a blender with fresh fruit and fattening ingredients. she has these gorgeous grounds with beautiful gardens and killer herbs growing all over. i'm telling you, i could die there.

and let's not forget her cherubic husband jeffrey. they are just so in love and cute together. he works at an ivy league university and is usually gone all week, returning home on weekends only. hello? do i have to even go into why this is a good thing? clearly, the relationship is working for them.

if there was a cable channel that was all ina all the time, i would sign up in a ny minute. she's like watching i love lucy. i could watch over and over again and enjoy each like it's the first time i'm seeing it.

yup. ina rocks. and now i must go. her show is on. :)

Sisters on the Fly

i'm a member. "Sisters on the Fly", sister #607 reporting for duty.

a few years ago i saw a segment on the travel channel about this womens camping group. i was immediately intrigued and said, "if i should disappear in the near future, contact these ladies. they'll know where i am."

"Sisters On the Fly" is the brainchild of two real sisters who dreamed up the idea while camping/fishing on a river in Montana. now, with a membership of over 600 women, these creative vagabonds load up their newly-adorned trailers and head off camping around the U.S.

vintage trailers (from the 50's and 60's and then some) would often be tossed, but the sisters give them new life with retro interiors and elaborate western motif. they are absolutely fabulous, truly deserving of the term 'cowgirl caravan'. their trailers become their hobbies, and soon, their "children", with assorted themes and names like 'whiskey ho', 'mountain mama' and 'prairie princess'. here, women have found a place to build solid friendships and share their passions. their restored trailers are traveling billboards for western outdoor fun. they trade martini recipes and shopping tips. they organize things like 'cowgirl college' and sponsor river rafting trips. i've already rode the rapids, but roping a cow? the SOTF motto is "we have more fun than anyone". who wouldn't want to be a part of something like that? joining this group was for me, a total no-brainer.

the mission statement of SOTF is, "offering empowerment and sisterhood through exceptional outdoor adventures." online message boards finds the sisters engaging in high tech trailer reconstruction, as well as plumbing and electrical dialogue. make no mistake. no girley girls here. these are not your june cleaver moms.

members come from as far away as Virginia, Texas, California and yes, even New Jersey, to participate in the Cowgirl Caravan.

www.sistersonthefly.com

roadside finds

can someone explain to me please, this mystery i call roadside porn? if you bear with me here a minute, you'll understand where i'm going. remember when you were a kid? that's when you first started noticing, remember? just driving down the road, or a bike ride or even just a casual walk. and there, in the gutter, or crumpled under a bush, is a magazine fulla naked people. you'd come to learn this was called pornography. yes boys and girls, you found the mother of all magazines. you found PORN! and it always seems to just scream porn ya know? all you'd see is like pages of beige flesh blowing in the wind. a boob here, a butt crack there. and there's always a few pages that are all gross and stuck together. we won't even go to the why for's of that little nugget.

i always wondered why/how this magazine got there...i mean, what scenario takes place exactly? you're driving down the road, fat dumb and happy, and there it is. all alone, cold and left blowing in the wind. sandwiched between a crushed diet coke can and some tangled fishing line. how'd it get there? was there some enraged wife, beating her husband over the head w/ it as he tries to drive home one night? "what is in the back seat huh? is this what you do on your lunch hour every day you pervert?" and whoosh! out the window it goes. anybody know the price of porn these days? it ain't cheap kids. trust me, you see your brand new 'hugs with jugs' mag get tossed out the passenger window? you are one sad cowboy...

for whatever reason, as you got older, the curbside porn sightings would become fewer and far between. i mean, there would still be sightings, but nothing like the good old days. where you could stumble across one on your way to public school and share it with the closest safety patrol geek. HA! that was one day you were hands down, THE most popular kid @ school. as you grew older, the magazines took a drastic downward spiral and in stead of glossy disgusting porn, it was more readers digests or harriet carter catalogs.

today, in our typical observance of the sabbath, my family decided to make the bi-monthly sams club journey. one of those obnoxious shopping warehouses? what can i say? we were running low on pallets of paper towels and cases of kleenex. when what to my wandering eyes does appear? but an 8x10 shiny paged pornographic publication, stuck between the blood clot of shopping carts. unable to curtail my glee, i blurted out..."look! free porn!"

as soon as the words left my mouth, i realized i had made a huge mistake. this one of those odd-ball days. the type of day when there was nothing better for her to do. our 15 year old daughter had joined us on our road trip today. ooooh, this was not good...

but take heart, said daughter is quicker than i give her credit for. she glances sideways at my 'find'? looks away and says most disinterested and almost amused at her mothers stupidity..."uh mom? that's a store flyer. those are carrots"

without skipping a beat, being certain to make zero eye contact, i responded, "i knew that".....

today i had an email waiting for me in my inbox from AARP.

what exactly is up with that?

ok, maybe i do like to wear a sweater around the house. alot. and maybe there is a wad of tissues in the pocket. (yes, always clean) perhaps i do forgo the spiked heels and slip on a pair of flats a little more than i used to. there might be a classical cd or two in my car right now... and yes. i have caught myself calling my husband Dad instead of something less paternal. i do go out to get the mail in my jammies and slippers sometimes. (now there's a fetching look yes?) but in my defense, i live in the country on 3 acres so it's not like a buncha people see me. i'd be lying if i said that more often than not, i prefer soup and a salad to a 'real' dinner. ok, maybe sometimes i'm eating dinner before the sun goes down, but hell, any good machine runs better if you don't let the fuel tank run low, am i right? lately, i have been going to bed before my fifteen year old daughter...

ok. nevermind.

but wait. isnt' the legal age of senior citizens supposed to be 60 or something? even @ 55 they are way off here. the rise of my jeans is still way above my undies. i still wear make up and do my hair girlie when i leave the house. my teeth are all my own, and let's just say, my friend martha still visits me just like clockwork every stinking goddamn month whether i invite her miserable ass or not!

sigh... sorry. went off on a small tangent there. now where was i?

why can't i remember? where are my glasses?

i'm going to take my ginko now...

**editor note: today i received SNAIL MAIL from AARP!!!! aaarrrgh

for those of you who don't know, jamie lee curtis has hung up her acting shoes (whatever those are) and has been writing childrens books instead. the books are actually quite sweet, with fabulous illustrations. JLC has two children of her own, and evidently, her son has some learning disabilities that prompted her to write a few down to earth books for children that really speak to kids instead of at them.

she has also given much credit to her circle of female friends who have been her touchstone throughout milestones in her life. the poem below is hers. i decided to share it since i have so many female friends for which i am very grateful.

Ode To Women

If indeed it's a race, then the chicks do the most
It isn't a brag, or an estrogen boast

It's the women who've led me, with big open hearts
If not for their love, I'd have failed at the start

And it's not just the mothers,
I speak of them all
It's a woman there first, when somebody falls

The multi of tasking, that's easy to tease
I dare a great man to try it all, Please!

So this is my shout out, my rallying cry
To women all over, I hold you up high

And tho there are others who'll think this poem strange

It's the women who plant the root of big change.

*jamie lee curtis