can someone explain to me please, this mystery i call roadside porn? if you bear with me here a minute, you'll understand where i'm going. remember when you were a kid? that's when you first started noticing, remember? just driving down the road, or a bike ride or even just a casual walk. and there, in the gutter, or crumpled under a bush, is a magazine fulla naked people. you'd come to learn this was called pornography. yes boys and girls, you found the mother of all magazines. you found PORN! and it always seems to just scream porn ya know? all you'd see is like pages of beige flesh blowing in the wind. a boob here, a butt crack there. and there's always a few pages that are all gross and stuck together. we won't even go to the why for's of that little nugget.
i always wondered why/how this magazine got there...i mean, what scenario takes place exactly? you're driving down the road, fat dumb and happy, and there it is. all alone, cold and left blowing in the wind. sandwiched between a crushed diet coke can and some tangled fishing line. how'd it get there? was there some enraged wife, beating her husband over the head w/ it as he tries to drive home one night? "what is in the back seat huh? is this what you do on your lunch hour every day you pervert?" and whoosh! out the window it goes. anybody know the price of porn these days? it ain't cheap kids. trust me, you see your brand new 'hugs with jugs' mag get tossed out the passenger window? you are one sad cowboy...
for whatever reason, as you got older, the curbside porn sightings would become fewer and far between. i mean, there would still be sightings, but nothing like the good old days. where you could stumble across one on your way to public school and share it with the closest safety patrol geek. HA! that was one day you were hands down, THE most popular kid @ school. as you grew older, the magazines took a drastic downward spiral and in stead of glossy disgusting porn, it was more readers digests or harriet carter catalogs.
today, in our typical observance of the sabbath, my family decided to make the bi-monthly sams club journey. one of those obnoxious shopping warehouses? what can i say? we were running low on pallets of paper towels and cases of kleenex. when what to my wandering eyes does appear? but an 8x10 shiny paged pornographic publication, stuck between the blood clot of shopping carts. unable to curtail my glee, i blurted out..."look! free porn!"
as soon as the words left my mouth, i realized i had made a huge mistake. this one of those odd-ball days. the type of day when there was nothing better for her to do. our 15 year old daughter had joined us on our road trip today. ooooh, this was not good...
but take heart, said daughter is quicker than i give her credit for. she glances sideways at my 'find'? looks away and says most disinterested and almost amused at her mothers stupidity..."uh mom? that's a store flyer. those are carrots"
without skipping a beat, being certain to make zero eye contact, i responded, "i knew that".....
i always wondered why/how this magazine got there...i mean, what scenario takes place exactly? you're driving down the road, fat dumb and happy, and there it is. all alone, cold and left blowing in the wind. sandwiched between a crushed diet coke can and some tangled fishing line. how'd it get there? was there some enraged wife, beating her husband over the head w/ it as he tries to drive home one night? "what is in the back seat huh? is this what you do on your lunch hour every day you pervert?" and whoosh! out the window it goes. anybody know the price of porn these days? it ain't cheap kids. trust me, you see your brand new 'hugs with jugs' mag get tossed out the passenger window? you are one sad cowboy...
for whatever reason, as you got older, the curbside porn sightings would become fewer and far between. i mean, there would still be sightings, but nothing like the good old days. where you could stumble across one on your way to public school and share it with the closest safety patrol geek. HA! that was one day you were hands down, THE most popular kid @ school. as you grew older, the magazines took a drastic downward spiral and in stead of glossy disgusting porn, it was more readers digests or harriet carter catalogs.
today, in our typical observance of the sabbath, my family decided to make the bi-monthly sams club journey. one of those obnoxious shopping warehouses? what can i say? we were running low on pallets of paper towels and cases of kleenex. when what to my wandering eyes does appear? but an 8x10 shiny paged pornographic publication, stuck between the blood clot of shopping carts. unable to curtail my glee, i blurted out..."look! free porn!"
as soon as the words left my mouth, i realized i had made a huge mistake. this one of those odd-ball days. the type of day when there was nothing better for her to do. our 15 year old daughter had joined us on our road trip today. ooooh, this was not good...
but take heart, said daughter is quicker than i give her credit for. she glances sideways at my 'find'? looks away and says most disinterested and almost amused at her mothers stupidity..."uh mom? that's a store flyer. those are carrots"
without skipping a beat, being certain to make zero eye contact, i responded, "i knew that".....
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