my friend delivered her son in her living room. joined by about a dozen or so assorted family members, friends and neighbors. how many of you read that sentence, and harrumphed outloud, rolling your eyes in a 'yeah, like that'll happen' sorta way? me too. like most women (i'm guessing) i did not enjoy being pregnant, and enjoyed far less, the actual giving-birth part. tho i will admit, i did like the way people treated me when i was pregnant. holding doors open, offering you their seat etc. you just know they never would have done this had your belly not been protruding and your ankles the size of small redwoods. however, i didn't really show til 5 or 6 months along, so i received that special treatment for 10-12 weeks or so. hardly worth the 9 months of misery and 26 hours of gut-wrenching, 'cut me in half i beg of you' labor. and might i just say here, deciding to call that whole process labor? excellent choice. it truly was the most difficult and grueling experience of my life. tho my friend, the one who delivered in her home w/ the audience? she would disagree. she rather enjoyed it all, so much so that she did it twice. i believe her when she says she didn't mind it so much. i mean, who would lie about such a thing? it certainly does not make me admire her any more. or even want to be her. to each her own, that's what i always say. and if your idea of blissful joy is pushing out a watermelon thru an orafice that clearly was intended for somewhat smaller objects, then you go girl. i remember hearing that johnny cash song in my head over and over..."and It Burns, Burns, Burns, The Ring Of Fire, The Ring Of Fire'. i decided to go the natural childbirth way; birthing center, midwife, etc. after all, women have been giving birth in cornfields, completely unattended, for hundreds of years. many times i listened--somewhat painfully, as my gynecologist would praise my ample, but lovely 'baby-making hips'. surely i can handle one teensy weensy little baby. whatta chump i was. for those of you yet to give birth? you may want to stop reading here. my advice? get the epidural girlfriend. cuz here's the cruel joke about all that. you may decide to go natural, drug-free, like i did. after 18 hours or so tho, you may change your mind, as i did. but guess what? jokes on you. evidently, there's a small window as to when you can actually receive an epidural. and that window slams shut when you least expect it. cold, hard and loud. surprise! it's too late for painkillers now, baby's almost here! i believe they call this phase transition. not the first word that leapt to my mind, but i digress.

my second bit of advice? do not push w/ your face. it only breaks blood vessels, and leaves you looking like rocky balboa. besides, you need to focus any and all pushing BELOW THE WAIST. thirdly? if anyone decides to help you count during the pushing phase? (husbands love to help here) make sure they count down, not up. i.e. 10, 9, 8, 7 etc. i know it sounds silly, but it makes a huge difference somehow. my last tid-bit of advice? do not pooh-pooh the whole video aspect of recording this experience. i did, obviously. of all the times i would NOT want a camera in the room, this would have to be at the top of my list. mostly naked, 25 lbs overweight (yet starved) sweaty and gross looking, w/ legs akimbo. ah yes, there's a fetching picture. there was no way i was going to have this recorded for prosperity. besides, it's so NOT true what they say. the worst pain you'll ever feel, but the quickest forgotten? puleeze. whatta load of crap that is. trust me, you will not forget. at one point, the midwife held up a mirror down there and said....'look april, look at your amazing baby coming into the world'...lord help me, i do not know why, but i did it. i looked down at the mirror. oh it was amazing alright, but not because of the baby. what was amazing was the size of my ass. if i live to be 100, i will never forget the sight. nothing but big beige buffalo butt as far as the eye could see. twas awful. seemed to go on for miles. perhaps it was a wide-angle mirror...

but in retrospect? i regret my decision not to let the camera in. how silly of me not to remember, it's a fairly large room. the camera/tripod could have very easily been placed up behind my head. nothing too graphic is actually seen, but the entire experience is nevertheless, captured completely. i should mention here, that shortly after my daughter came out, i pretty much passed out myself. i remember them placing her on my belly, cleaning her up, counting toes, fingers etc. then i remember quite vividly saying to myself, 'ok...she's kinda cute, but i am really tired now, so'...had we had the camera going the whole time? i would know exactly what went down while i slept. what they did to my baby. what nasty things they all said about me. and most importantly, i would have found out where they were hiding my dignity all that time, having lost it shortly after arrival.

now don't misunderstand. i adore being a mother and cannot imagine my life without my daughter in it. now that she's here. would i have become pregnant sooner had i known? maybe. would i have done things differently? a tad. if there were a next time? which there isn't, but if there were? i truly would have a camera in the room. no lie.